For They Shall Be Comforted

http://deseretbook.com/authors/author-info/19880

http://www.covenant-lds.com/catalog/product_info.php?cPath=120_22&products_id=2402

All right, I guess there have been enough questions now that I should probably start answering them. But first, indulge me because, after all, it is Flashback Friday.

When I was a little girl, I used to write stories all the time. I loved writing. My aunt Jill would read all of my stories and praise me like crazy, thus making me want to write more stories. The above photo is of me after the Reflections Contest for a short story I wrote in 6th grade. When I was in 9th grade, my English teacher Mrs. Bean suggested I enter the BYU-sponsored High School short story contest. I won 2nd place all four years -- never could seem to grasp that first place slot -- but I got a $30 check each time and got to attend a banquet with my parents at BYU each year. That was pretty fun. At that point in my life, I really considered myself to be a writer. If you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up (besides a mother, of course, which has always been my greatest desire!), I would probably have told you that I wanted to write... something... short stories? children's books? I don't know what -- I just loved to write.

I won an essay contest in high school or college (I can't remember exactly when) and then after I got married, I didn't write much anymore. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it anymore -- I just got busy with other things and life started racing away (as many people told me it would). I wrote a cute children's book about Cameron & Legos, but when I wrote to LEGO to ask for their permission to send it to a publisher, they said I couldn't. I wrote another children's book, this time about Micah, and sent it to a few children's book publishers and one wrote back saying they wanted to publish it, but I would have to pay $4,000 of the publishing costs, which would be reimbursed after the 5,000th book sold. That sounded like quite a gamble to me! So I let writing sit for awhile. I wrote for fun, of course, and in my kids' journals all the time, but frankly, it's pretty hard to sit down and write something of substance when you have eight kids swirling around you. Some people call it Writer's Block. I call it eight kids.

After we lost Kija, James suggested I write a book about the subject of grieving after the loss of a baby. I knew a book was needed because there are so few on that specific topic. I didn't know that it would really make an impact on people, though, until one day when my friend Kandice called me. She explained that she'd lost twins in a similar situation to Kija's. We talked for a while and, even though our situations did not change as a result of our conversation, we both needed each other so that we would feel normal, and to feel like we were not alone.

After that I spent several months thinking about what I might write in a book. Then one day I just sat down and wrote it. That night I asked James to read it. He told me to send it to a publisher. This was about 2 years ago.

Ironically, I felt prompted to send it to Covenant Communications. I resisted, however, because Deseret Book is always the first place you're supposed to send LDS books, right? So I sent it to Deseret Book. They sent it back to me, saying they were already working on a similar project. My next move would have been to send it to Covenant, which I still felt prompted to do, but this happened to be soon after I learned that Deseret Book had taken over Covenant Communications & Seagull, and I assumed that Covenant would not take on any projects that Deseret Book wouldn't also publish. So I sent it to Horizon Publishers. They sent it back, saying they weren't interested.

I still felt prompted to send it to Covenant, so I decided I didn't have anything to lose - and I sent it to them. A few months later they asked me for an electronic version of the book. A few months after that they asked me if I would be interested in re-writing the book, following guidelines by 3 of their outside reviewers. Of course, I told them yes. They sent me 3 reviews of my book. Two were positive. One was pretty negative. They contradicted each other, so I asked my editor which of the reviews I should follow when re-writing. I didn't hear back from her before I sat down that weekend and rewrote the whole book (I locked myself in my bedroom with James' laptop and he took care of the kids all day). They wanted it longer, and I lengthened it by about 1/3rd, including a lot more details than I had included in the original version. Initially, I didn't want the book to be too long because I didn't want it to overwhelm the reader, especially an exhausted grieving mother. I tried to keep it short and simple, something she could sit down and read in an afternoon, and then re-read the next afternoon, for as long as she needed it. But the reviewers wanted more details - lots more details.

I ended up following the advice in the two positive reviews. The negative review was very helpful too, though, because it helped me realize that I had put way too much responsibility on the reader, expecting them to automatically know and understand how I was feeling or what I was thinking as I went through the experiences I described. It also reiterated to me the need for a book on this subject. People need to get inside the head of a grieving person. Otherwise there is just no way they can begin to understand what they are going through.

I sent the book back to Covenant and a few months later (March 2008) I received an email saying that they had decided to publish it. The rest of the process took a lot longer than I imagined it would. It took almost a year for the editing process before the book was finally finished. I was surprised that my editor let the book remain my own -- she would make suggestions for rewording or adding or taking things out, but she let me do the writing, so I can feel like it is truly my book... except for the title. The title I had chosen was "Grieving for my Little Ones." I like that title. Covenant chose the title "For They Shall Be Comforted." I would have argued with them about the title, except for something pretty important that I realized when I saw the title they had chosen.

When I was fifteen years old, I received my patriarchal blessing. There are many, many things in it that I didn't understand at the time, and some that I still don't understand. Now that time has passed, I realize that my blessing talks specifically about us adopting the twins. It talks about the loss of Ammon & Kija. There is also an entire paragraph that is fulfilled with the publishing of this book. I will not quote it on here because it is very personal, of course, but that paragraph confirmed to me that Covenant Communications had chosen the right title for this book.

I also love the cover they picked out. Del Parson is my favorite artist, not only because he paints beautiful paintings, but also because he's the one who donated the pioneer painting for Becky after we made the PBS documentary. I think he's a generous person and an amazing artist. I think the cover is perfect for what is contained in the book.

The audio book is read by Joy Lyn Shaw and I think she did a fabulous job. Her voice is very soothing and comforting. I realized, though, that I didn't include my own name in the pronunciation guide that I made for her. She pronounces my name a little differently than I do, but that is all right.

I haven't told anyone (except James) about the book throughout this whole process, for several reasons. One is that I would have been very embarrassed if people knew about it and it didn't really come to pass. I was hoping that before I told anyone about it, I would have an actual book in my hands, but James started telling people the day after the book was released, so the word has spread. Another reason for my secrecy is that I didn't want people to contribute thoughts about my experiences, both my childhood and adult experiences, -- I felt that it would be most beneficial to grieving mothers to hear completely from my point of view, so everything written in the book is from my perspective and memory. Some of you may remember details that I don't remember, but I figure that there's a reason I remember things the way I do, and I didn't want to change the integrity of my perspective in any way. Also, the book is extremely personal. I almost hope that no one in Lander reads it because if people I see all the time have read this very personal book, I think I'll feel like I'm walking around naked all the time. I was completely open and honest in all aspects, and that is what was needed. Grieving mothers don't need a sugar-coated book -- they need something real, something honest. And lastly, I didn't tell people because I felt sort of silly about it -- I mean, it's really not that big of a deal, especially if you consider the fact that my friend Shawni's book came out only a month before mine and hers shot straight up to Deseret Book's best sellers list. Mine will never sit on Deseret Book's best seller list. It's just not that type of book.

Yet, I know my book is going to help a lot of people. I know that I was meant to write a book on this subject. I know that Ammon and Kija would have wanted me to write this book, and I almost feel as if they helped me write it. I see how this piece fits into the puzzle now. It makes me wonder what on earth all the rest of my patriarchal blessing means! I don't know that we can say that I've grown up and become a writer, but I sure am grateful to say that I grew up and became a mother. That's where the real rewards are.